Entry 7: June 24

Let me start off with a dream…

I was wealthy and had many house guests come and visit me. New ones. People I’d never met before. C was there too. C was the primary character in the dream. He was dirty and odd but exciting. And at one point, he was taking a class with others, mostly women, and everyone had to touch one another, like a game, by running around a room, trying to catch as many people as possible. And at one point, a woman very aggressively pulled the finger off another woman and the game stopped abruptly. I ran to call 911 because there was blood everywhere.

Let me continue with my body and mind. I am sleeping horribly in this single bed. I think I will let Angel have this room and I’ll move in with Liam. I tossed and turned all night (despite walking a lot and drinking only one coffee). And I got up at seven in the morning. You’d think I wouldn’t get up until 11! My jaw aches and I have a headache. My thumb, at the base, hurts (the dream?). And I’m worried about my stomach, though that’s been pretty good. I was very dizzy yesterday and the day before. And I don’t really feel myself until five or six in the afternoon. Obviously the jet lag and stress of traveling and all the worrying I do is taking its toll. I need to stop worrying. I need to relax and enjoy and simply be. I think this trip to Granada will give me back some of my missing balance. I think what I desperately crave and what ALWAYS seems to be the determining factor in my happiness is a place and space of my own—away from everyone. I was never good at being under someone else’s roof. I make a horrible guest. It’s not that I do anything wrong from the host’s perspective. It’s that I am dying inside from lack of alone time. I never feel fully comfortable under someone else’s roof. Some people truly don’t mind others’ energy and ownership of space. But, it seriously affects me.

My mother said, “Remember, you are doing this for the boys.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all that. But tell my old brain. Tell my aches and pains. Tell my heart.

Actually, I just realized I can do that. Remember, this has been the era of massive growth for you, T. In fact, I coach people on not allowing their subconscious, old-brain emotional side to take over. Remember, the conscious mind is the gateway to the layers underneath. It’s the lid on the pot of the soup that determines the boiling point of the contents. But the child in me is kicking and screaming, saying, I want to be alone. I want to run away. Get me out of here. But that child needs to behave and chill out. The top layers of me—the more conscious layers, actually want to enjoy Spain. To intellectualize it, experience it, give it a chance.

It’s such a battle.

T, things will occur good and bad. As the Buddhists say, let them pass over you like water passes over a rock in the stream. It’s all perception. Calmate. Tranquila. Put the little girl in a time-out for causing such a ruckus. Or simply say to her, I understand you always want to have your own way; we all do. But that’s impossible. We need to take turns. And take turns we will! Today, my new brain will control the day. We’re going to Toledo and I truly want to enjoy myself.

So, yesterday, we spent the day doing nothing. To normalize my kids I bought them a big lego set and Angel said that building Legos with Abuelo was his favorite moment in Spain so far. I know exactly how he feels to want that connection to something familiar like Legos. Anyway, they stayed in their pjs all day while Abuela and I went out a couple times and then I eventually got antsy and ended up going to Tirso de Molina, walked to Lavapies, and then ended up in Sol where I shopped a bit. I am dying to buy shoes and clothes, and yet, I don’t exactly know where to shop. I keep ending up at the Corte Ingles or H&M. I want unique. Urban. Different. I want to go to the Rastro and buy something old and used and singular. Como mola!

Anyway, all I came away with was some facial soap from the Clinique counter. Let’s see what that does.

And last…

So, as I drifted through the streets yesterday and took in all the people and their sad and lonely faces and their bad smells and rotten circumstances I came to the conclusion that I do not belong in a city. I am too delicate. Fragile. Too easily influenced by the energy of others, both good and bad. Actually, drained by the energy of others, good and bad. I don’t have a way to shut the world out and be peaceful within myself. I let everything in. I would like to learn evasiveness. I would like to imagine a wall around me where I can look out, but not let anything in to disturb me.

The only thing that protects me is P. Or rather, my thoughts of P. I miss you, P. I’m forgetting what you look like, smell like, taste like. Please let me live to see you for the rest of my life. Gosh, I miss you so much. I miss us. Our closeness. Our quietness. Our laughs. Our silliness. Our arms around each other. Our love, our magic, our happiness.




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