July 13

I had a brilliant day yesterday. P and I went down to LBI and hung out all day on the beach, and both of us got burnt to a crisp. The day was given to me by God, himself, and I could not be happier. When we got off the beach, at about three, we showered at the little outdoor shower behind the bathrooms at the Bay beach, and then headed to the Boathouse for an early dinner. A wedding was taking place, so, we ended up at Tucker’s instead, out on their deck. P had fried tomatoes and I had steamed clams and a shrimp salad. Then, I took him to the Holiday Snack Shop and we had cake and pie and coffee. Drove home. Took a nap. And then he left first; I followed shortly after.

He really looks so hot, all tan with his new haircut, in a t-shirt and jeans. Only thing that got me a little incensed was that I arrived at his house in a dress and heels, with make-up and my hair all pretty. P didn’t say a word. No compliment whatsoever. There’s definitely an imbalance there as far as verbalizing thoughts go. I am far more into expressing what I’m thinking than he is. I will tell him all the time how beautiful I think he is, whereas that kind of expression coming from his is very rare. It didn’t used to be.

Oh well…

On the flip side we talked about how he felt about my kids and about wanting kids himself—a daughter. I want to have P’s baby! But, I fear I am too old. I also fear a few other things…control issues, work issues, relationship issues…I fear that he’s thinking about babies and yet, isn’t really thinking about it to any great level of seriousness. Like C would get my hopes up and talk about living together and having kids, etc. and then when it really came down to it, he would pull the plug, and say, “I’m not really serious,” and “I’ll never get married,” and “kids aren’t for me.” Well, then why are you talking about it like it’s going to happen between us? With C, I had a very hard time trusting half of what he’d say. I didn’t believe him. And I fear the same with P. Plus, as I’ve said, a slew of other things make me a tad bit nervous to have a baby at my age. I mean, I have two boys. I’ve kinda paid my dues. I’ve been through babies already. I’d have to say goodbye to all my free time! Do I really want to go through that again? I guess I’d only have a baby if I could somehow guarantee that he’d be the one to stay at home, while I went out and worked.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking of this. It’s so not in the cards. I mean, here’s a man that’s telling me he doesn’t want to have his own house. He wants stay in his parents’ house and remodel it before he dies. And he’s now just experiencing living on his own at FORTY, only because his parents just moved out and left for Florida one day (good for them). Not only that, but there are other issues. Heck, he doesn’t even compliment me anymore, or write me love letters or any of the stuff at the beginning. And while I know those things don’t last forever between two people. I would hope they’d last longer than five months.

Just thinking about all this makes me want to cry. Like I’ve picked the wrong guy once again. Someone who simple will not fight or struggle for me. Someone who, once again, leaves it up to me to do all the work.

Anyway, Jackie and her boyfriend came in last night at around 9ish, I guess. She’s so cute. P left us to go to some party down the street and we just hung out a bit and chit chatted. I fell asleep by 10:30 and heard P come in briefly then go back out again. I feel like I never see him with all these sleep issues I’m having. He and Jackie might come over my mom’s for spaghetti dinner. That would be really nice. I hope so.

Later…

More obsessing. I am, however, very tired, run down, and completely off balance. My back finally feels better, thank God! So, that’ one issue down. Now, I just need to put my thoughts and my feelings into alignment about P. I really love this man, but I need more. It’s too early in the relationship for him not to be more physical with me, complimenting me, and writing love letters to me. Something is wrong.

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