July 14

So, what were my complaints about C?

  1. He never wanted to have sex.
  2. He never wanted to sleep over.
  3. He smoked pot.
  4. He didn’t dress nicely.
  5. He sometimes use me for money.
  6. He wasn’t loving or demonstrative.
  7. He was always busy.

And what are my complaints about P?

  1. He doesn’t write me anymore or call me pretty or do spontaneous acts of love.
  2. He’s too self-focused, it’s all about him and his garden and his car and his job, and anything else is a nuisance.
  3. He said he was very giving as a boyfriend and he’s not, well, he does take me out to dinner a lot.
  4. He never got me a birthday gift. Who the heck doesn’t get their girlfriend a birthday gift in the first few months of dating???
  5. He’s possibly too independent and won’t settle down

Mostly, I feel like I’m falling into the Love Addict trap again. Obsessing over his every move and fearing his emotional abandonment of me. I feel like I do not have a life. That my life and all my interests are P-focused. What will P do next? When will he call? Is he thinking of me? And so on. It’s this mentality of mine that drives me to want to run away and get out of the relationship. It makes me want to focus on something else like C because I start to feel dissatisfied and neglected by P.

I cannot healthily determine whether or not I have justifiable reasons to be upset or not. So…another list:

  • does he physically hurt me? No
  • does he mentally hurt me? No
  • does he ignore me when I call? No
  • does he still want to see me as much as before? Yes
  • does he treat me kindly? Yes
  • is the sex normal and good? Yes
  • is he interested in what I say and do? Most of the time.
  • Does he show affection and love in his actions? Yes and no. This is where I have a problem.
  • Does he try to work on a problem or fix it if he knows I am upset? Yes and no. For the most part, yes.

Anyway, according to this inventory he is not causing much of a problem, but rather, I am. So what’s in me that’s causing this rift? Fear? Boredom in my own life? Not having a hobby? Impatience? Wanting to live with him or move the relationship forward? Need for drama and attention? Disappointment in a few things?

He will probably never ask me to marry him. He’ll probably never work towards living together. He’ll probably not want to baby. He won’t do certain things unless pushed into it. I feel as though I’m repeating a pattern and have once again found the same kind of man I always find. I want to share interests with him but that doesn’t seem to be happening either.

Okay, enough of that. Here’s yesterday in a nutshell: I woke up from P’s and left early. He was a little disappointed. Went to my mother’s at noon. Hung out. P came over for dinner at one. Left around 3:30. I fell asleep for two hours on my mom’s sofa. Boys came in from swimming and both fell asleep at around 5 o’clock. I think the whole jetlag thing has finally caught up with us. I put boys to bed at 8 PM. They went willingly. Angel woke up at 6 AM and Liam is still sleeping.

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