August 3--Very sad. Period brain, hurting. I think he loves me but he doesn’t know how. And I think what crops up in its place is egocentricity. I think I give too much like I did to C. I think he now thinks I’m an easy catch. He can do anything or nothing and still feel loved. That must be a great feeling because I don’t feel it. Sometimes when I’m in this mood I can’t see the forest through the trees. I only see the end as being the only way. Why do I always see it that way? Gosh.
I dreamed of C last night as if he’d have the answers. As if life was so much better with him. I so badly want to introduce the two. I want both in my life. C’s communication skills were indisputably the best ever. But P is clean and good-looking and dresses well and has a warm heart. But C was a work workhorse and I loved his pioneering spirit and passion for building, working, hauling, digging and being part of the earth. But P has more time for me. But C was less self-centered and a better listener. But P doesn’t smoke pot. But C… oh, the list goes on.
C hugged me more. So, I dreamed of C hugging me and I so desperately want to call him right now.
But, what will that do? Where will that get me? Especially after last night’s ordeal with P.
I was so happy to see P. I spent the day with my brother and mom, and then P, Jackie and Rick came over at around three. We went out for a walk around the lake and that’s when it started. First off, he looked great and I told him so. All shaved with a beautiful blue shirt and black dress pants. Then, at dinner I complemented his article he thought up, “Man fakes coma to get out of office party.” But added, “We should totally submit that to The Onion. Just let me edit it.”
“I can edit it myself,” he snapped, and then some other obnoxious stuff about journalism and what the editors of The Onion wouldn’t accept. And if they did, they’d change it anyway. And blah, blah, blah. He drove me nuts. I had no patience for that like I usually do. So, I literally clammed up, cried in the bathroom and came back, only to have him feel bad about his behavior. Then, just coldness between us the rest of the night. He barely touched me. And when he did he did so with the tips of his fingers. It was creepy and cold. Later, he brought me flowers because he’s been so cold.
Finally when Jackie and Rick came back, he tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead. He didn’t even invite me over. He basically said, “I am going home and going to bed. Unless you wanted to come over, then, I guess you can.” That’s the most miserable invite I’ve ever received from anyone. Fuck that. C was never that cold. Or was he? Ugh.
So, after he walked away and turned off my light I cried and cried and cried and I did so quietly, but he heard me and came back and just hug me and lay very close and held me tightly and I said, “it’s so cold between us and I don’t like it,” and he said he knows. He doesn’t like it either. I said, what am I doing wrong? And he said, “nothing. It’s something in me.” And he doesn’t know what it is. Maybe he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. I said I think he needs a break. He said he doesn’t want one. I think even this morning he needed one. I do understand the extra stress from his new job. But I don’t understand the shutting off. The closing up. The avoidant personality disorder. This is the part of him that makes me want to walk away.
I don’t want to see him today. Don’t do me any favors, y’know. I just want to be left alone. There’s period issues at hand. I have to get through this. I have to push him away despite wanting to. I have to learn to defer gratification. I don’t want to make him the be all and end all of my life. It cannot be this way.