August 4: I so need a life, a career. Something to distract me from my obsessive thoughts. I’m getting my period and I can’t sleep. I’m jittery, and I’m making unhealthy choices like seeing C yesterday morning and calling him back at night after seeing that he called me. Not wanting to see P today either (what’s the point if it’s only for a few hours). I want to push him away. Go! Get out! You are hurting me. So, I’ll go back to someone else who has hurt me a little less.
And how is P hurting me? It’s so subtle but it’s happening. He’ll come all the way out to my mom’s house for dinner but he won’t come back to my place, which is right around the corner. He has to “run.” Or, he’ll offer to come tomorrow while he has a half day at his day job and work at night. That’ll only leave us about two hours. How convenient. And he won’t come today on his day off because he has “doctors” to see??? Nope don’t want it. Tracy say no. I think I need some Tracy time. Definitely. Because right now I am hating a lot of stuff about P. Here’s the list of what bothers me most…
- It’s all about him.
- He never really asks me questions.
- He barely complements me.
- He barely notices anything about me.
- He isn’t interested in what I have to say.
- He’s pulling away through his job, through his sleeping.
- He doesn’t even want to sleep over.
- He never sleeps over here because my bed is too uncomfortable.
- He has lost his libido. Let’s see for how long.
- He’s become so defensive.
- He has a perfectionist’s mind.
- He’s immature. He has an increasing inability to be real and not revert to fantasyland.
We have nothing to talk about anymore. Sometimes we click. Most of the time we don’t. I have never felt completely connected to him. There’s always been some distance, except maybe the very beginning.
The beginning is over.
On my own I am plagued with thoughts that he is just like C so, I’m going to do a comparison:
P: okay communicator, clean, no drugs (that I know of), clean, dresses well, avoidant, does not include me, never sleeps over, low libido, cannot take criticism, makes more effort to see me, not hard working, no money, not smart with money, calls/emails all the time, helps me (undetermined), few shared dreams, few incompatible dreams, great with kids, tries to work on himself and improve himself, listens okay, petrified of change.
C: great communicator, drugs, does not dress well, avoidant, includes me sort of, never slept over, no libido, can take criticism, made little effort to see me, hard-working, no money, but very smart with money, called me all the time, helps me, shared dreams, ambiguous dreams, allusive, good with kids, does not try to improve himself or change, listens well, afraid of change.
I pulled the runes last night that said I was about to have a major breakthrough. I can only hope that my breakthrough isn’t in realizing that he is no good for me. I want to stay with him. But when he starts to reject me and avoid me I feel it’s time to leave. Then I think I am not being patient or that I have a fear of commitment and need to relax and accept his behavior as nothing personal, but as a fear on his part that eventually will go away. I’m trying to rush progress and I cannot. I must let it be and stop obsessing.
I am having preconceived notions of what is perfect and right and I am not being adaptable. I am being needy. I feel nothing inside me at the moment for either man. Not P not C. Even my dreams seem vastly disconnected to these men. I dreamt of a huge, empty parking lot and getting a new job as a writer.