I talked to C in the morning. Then to Kathy. Did more yard work. Tried to get out of seeing P but couldn’t do it. Waited for him at home until he showed up and then went down to the shore together. The water was amazing and clear and calm and I went in past the breakers with P. He stayed out there and road the waves with the boys and aside from a southwest wind that brought a few greenheads the day was beautiful. We laughed the entire time and I called P “Puddin’ Bear as a joke and got in trouble for it and then we ate greasy food at Scooter’s. We flew home late in the afternoon and then P left. I made sure the boys took showers and then went down to Kathy’s where all the kids hung out and watched The Kids Choice Awards. Kathy and I went to Fisher’s and talked and talked and talked and she thinks I need to go back to therapy because of all the unresolved issues with C.
But I know what’s going on with those unresolved issues. When my life with P is making me hurt or doubt or feel unsure, I turned to C. When the romance of P is gone, I conjure up the romance of C. And went P is not there, I find C, who is there. See? Nothing unresolved. Simply replacement.
Last night I had a very significant dream. I dreamed of David and whenever I do, it’s always quite significant as it signals a discomfort with where I am in a relationship. Anyway, this one was quite different than my usual. I went up to Boston to visit David and his girlfriend Ruth, who were apparently moving into their new apartment. I was surprised because I soon learned that David was sick of being with Ruth and wanted to leave her. While Ruth was cleaning the dishes and doing other typical domestic duties (something she normally wouldn’t be doing), David was moving boxes upstairs. And, since Ruth was doing dishes, she couldn’t help move boxes, so I helped instead. When I went upstairs David grabbed me at the hip from behind and started to simulate sex. I was shocked and offended and although I had always wanted him I refused to hurt his girlfriend in this way. I kept saying, “Stop! Please! Or I will scream!” But, he kept after me and finally I screamed, “Help me!” as loud as I could.
Wanting David but not wanting to hurt Ruth is significant of my situation now: wanting to be with C but not wanting to hurt P. Or perhaps, wanting to be healthy, but not wanting to hurt the unhealthy men in my life. David, after all, has always represented “healthy” to me—and it seems he went sour in this dream. Also, I have never rejected him in my dreams until now. Did I reject him for Ruth because I don’t want to hurt myself any longer?
I told Kathy last night, I think what it’s going to come down to is simply saying goodbye to C. I cannot be friends with him and have a relationship with P. And that’s going to be difficult. On the phone C was asking if I’d seen the Wally movie and if I wanted to go. It’s all starting again. The life I lost when I lost him is trying to sneak back in and I cannot let it in.
Period brain caused this mess and now Tracy brain has to get herself out of this mess.