Crazy

August 7

Maybe I need to stop having fantasy-like expectations of a relationship. I don’t even want to go “there” today—more complaining, more expecting…

How about this:

  • I will not try to “win” anyone’s love today.
  • I will not seek out C as a resource of comfort, or anything for that matter
  • I will not have any expectations of P. I will do exactly as I have been doing, giving my same level of input, and being ME, without any expectations or fantasies. I cannot continue to say and do things and expect certain responses (and then be upset when I do not get the response I want, or that I imagine is best). I just need to be me and allow him to be him.

My man is struggling. He is trying to pay down his debts. It has nothing to do with me. He is not running away from me. Distance is not rejection here. When he’s emotionally distant or unavailable it’s not because of me. It’s something inside him. He’s tired, he’s angry at his financial situation. Whatever it is, he said it’s not me, and I must believe him.

You see, the trouble is, I don’t believe anyone. I have such a hard time trusting people that I feel insane with insecurity. Ugh. I wish it weren’t so.

I was reading “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” about Borderline Personality Disorder. Impulsive, angry, mood swings, no identity, fear of abandonment, unnatural fear of emptiness and boredom, etc. If my friend Marie is a full blow BPD then I am perhaps a milder version. And yet, I still have the crazy impulse to run back to C, but I don’t. Something holds me back. And I still feel enormous amounts of rage inside me, and yet, I keep it inside because I don’t want to show it. I must have that “accommodating” gene. Another trait of the BPD personality: feeling like a fake. Yup. Sounds like me. I am definitely in a “Fake it till you make it” period of my life.

Anyway, so, I talked to C for about 2 hours in the morning. He called me. At first I just felt like I wanted to get off the phone, but I didn’t have the heart to say so. But then the convo pulled me in and I was enjoying him again. I was hooked.

Then, I felt guilty. Like I am betraying P. But, I thought, hell, I can do whatever I want. Then later, I thought of P doing this to me, and going back to his old girlfriend, and I just felt like I would be devastated. Then I thought I’d write a goodbye C letter, and then I did. And then, once it was written, I didn’t want to give it to him. How could I possibly let him go? Then I CALLED HIM after 5pm! Then, I regretted it and said, “let’s forget about having dinner.” Then, I let it all go and joked with P later about the extra towel incident, bailed out on Amy’s party, and had dinner with my sister-in-law and the kids instead.

See? Crazy.

Truth is, I am VERY ANGRY at P. I feel as though he has abandoned me. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I feel I have been lied to, and I am especially angry about that. I feel as though I haven’t come far at all in replacing one man with the other. I have virtually the same situation, only P is cleaner than C and doesn’t smoke or wear his underwear in public! P dresses far better than C. But C was the better communicator, the harder worker, helped me more, cooked for me, cleaned for me, and didn’t really have as many severe issues as P seems to have. P seems more willing to change for me (at least verbally), but I haven’t really seen a change at all.

So? Where have I improved? I thought you were supposed to climb up the ladder and always improve? Both men are in my life, and where one is lacking, the other one picks up. The same happened with C and BM. Only, I left BM much quicker than I am willing to leave P. I have HOPE for P.

Is any of what I am doing constructive? Probably not. But, my defenses are kicking in trying to take care of me the only way they know how!!!

Today we picked up Abuelo and Abuela. The boys are so very excited. They have said special prayers for them to come here safe and refused to not be with them at the airport on their arrival. They are so very excited. It almost makes me wonder what will happen next summer.

 

[I would like to add here that, ultimately I came to learn that anyone can have signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder given the right environment or in my case, given a relationship that was, in fact, completely incompatible and thus, driving me crazy. All I had to do (which I didn’t) was:

  1. recognize my values (I don’t like being lied to, I need a person who is available, I need a person who is a good communicator, etc.), 
  2. recognize that P didn’t or couldn’t live up to my values, for whatever reason, 
  3. get out of the relationship

At this point though, I am holding on for dear life. I am unwilling to let go. And when your values and your partner’s values are seriously different, but you stay anyway, YOU FEEL CRAZY. Eventually, I came to my senses and learned this. But, it clearly took a while! That being said, don’t be so hard on yourself. Eventually, you will “get it” too!]

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