August 10: quitting C

shutterstock_130886966Ten months no smoking! I can’t believe it’s only been 10 months. It seems like a lot longer. I feel like, on the one hand, I made great strides in the quitting smoking department, but on the other, I relapsed and returned to my other addictive behaviors. Now, I have to start all over. Of course the “C” addiction is not yet (and hopefully will never be) full blown. Yet, I leave P and go back to C and entertain fantasies of marrying C. Dear Lord. What happened to that strong Quit Mentality of 10 months ago? And the genius of applying it to all other addictions? I can’t just say, “Oh well.” I have to reestablish my boundaries and reaffirm my commitment to quit C once and for all.

C IS a cigarette. I think he’s good and fun and I get a great high from smoking him and glamorizing him, but he’s very bad for me. He keeps me from living. Stunts my growth. Meh. You see…I’m not that convinced that he is so bad. I have to be convinced. I have to really turn him into a monster because people are better at fighting monsters than good guys.

OK, well. I will save that fight for later.

Yesterday was very nice. Woke up, wrote, puts around and cleaned. P and I went out for coffee. I saw his more insecure side yesterday. I laid around and didn’t do much, took a nap, went to my mom’s when kids came home and then P came back over. It was so funny in that he asked my mom when he can start making requests for dinner. And he seemed so relaxed over there last night. Him and my brother played whiffle ball and he was comfortable enough to stay and talked to N and meet my in-laws, play with the kids and joke at the table. In fact, everyone joked with him. This is all very good. Good, good, good. I like that he’s so comfortable around my family. No, I LOVE IT.

Come on, P, keep it coming. Get closer. This is good.

As for us—fun, light, flirty, happy. All around really enjoyed each other. What predisposes me to these moods? Why am I so happy lately, instead of my usual mistrusting self? I really need to see an endocrinologist.

Today, it’s off to my cousin’s in Brigantine. Maybe this will inspire me to move or get a shore house?


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