Let’s talk about sex

August 15: I dreamed that P and I took the Audi and drove over to Carmela’s house into the driveway and saw her working and saw her husband with his long hair and John Lennon glasses. We looked around, but didn’t get out of the car to stir anything up. When we left, we realized her husband latched onto the bumper and was riding with us, asking what we were up to. I was quite surprised but I told him, “Your wife cheated on you with someone I was in love with. She threw herself at him.” He said he was aware, but told me not to gossip about it. I said OK and he left. I looked at P afterwards and we said, “That was creepy.”

My other dream was a neurotic mom dream, trying to schedule all Angel’s after-school stuff. Which, in fact, is happening and I am just as neurotic in my waking life as my dreaming life.

So, Delores was over in the morning, then I got the minivan washed and vacuumed, got some food, picked up the Abuelos at my sister in law’s house and took them out to a nice, local restaurant for lunch, and then shopping at the mall. They love the mall. We did all that, and got back to the house around four. I asked Abuela if she wanted to get a pedicure, so we took off in the Audi (she had Abuelo take pictures of her) and we went. We passed C on the way and I waved, and he waved back, and just like the addict I am, I called him to make sure he knew I was with my mother-in-law and that’s why I couldn’t stop and chat. We talked very briefly, and then I had to go.

Came home. Made pork chops and salad and cleaned up. Kids played. They all left at around 8:30. I ended the night chatting with P for a while. Sometimes he’s a pain the ass to communicate with. I say, “Oh, I think you’ll really like this book. It’s about the ‘selfish gene.’” He says, “Genes aren’t selfish. I don’t believe it. Who is this author? Blah, blah, blah…” What a mess. Almost makes me what to crawl back to the dysfunction I know and love so well. Oh, but C gave me headaches and stomach issues.*

I’ll never win.

So, I’m heading over P’s tonight and I want to have sex. But don’t quite know how to go about it. Hmmm. What approach? Ugh. Is it wrong that I have to carefully and skillfully calculate a way to broach having sex with my boyfriend? This isn’t normal. I recognize that. But, I can’t figure out what to do about it. Yet.

*Wasn’t I just complaining about headaches and stomach issues two journal entries back? 


4 thoughts on “Let’s talk about sex

  1. I’ve finally caught up to the most recent post on this blog… this is so immensely helpful to me right now, as I am finally able to see the extent to which I rationalized my PoA’s avoidant behavior as just being due to the circumstances of his live, as I am finally able to see my own part in playing into the anxious/avoidant dynamic. Is this post the last post in your break-up journal, or are there more installments coming?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So sorry for the delayed response! I took off a few months from blogging as my day job placed pretty high demands on me. But, I hope to start blogging again soon! To answer your question, this is the last blog I posted, but there’s MORE!!! I just need to start posting them again. Hang in there! Follow my blog, subscribe by email,
      and you should receive email notifications of any new posts. 🙂


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