August 16: I simply do not know how to resolve this issue. The fucking pot issue came up again. And, I feel sick (not to mention the fact that I am sick).

So, there we were again out with Jackie (P’s niece). He was upset with her for not calling, but, we went to the Pub anyway for dinner, that horrible place. We laughed; we had fun despite the fact that I was a little worn out and didn’t particularly like being there. Plus, I didn’t feel good. Anyway, in private, when Jackie went to the ladies room,  he was super cavalier about the idea of smoking pot, as if it were a good thing, and the idea came up that he may want to go back. Well, where does that leave me? I specifically said I don’t date pot smokers. He said he felt guilty about that, that he knows he’d need to make a choice. A choice? What? Are you insane?

When I wanted to continue talking about it when Jackie got back he hushed me up. He doesn’t dare let on to his niece that he was a pot smoker or that he might consider smoking again. Well, if it’s so fucking wonderful, why not tell everyone? Why not light up right here in this dump? Ugh.

Here’s how I am trying to work this thing out. First, these are the topics I need to discuss with P:

  1. How long have you thought about this? How often do you think about it?
  2. Do you think it’s your way of defending yourself when you think no one “gets” you or loves you?
  3. A life of pot smoking and spirituality is not conducive to a married life with children. It seems to me you’d have to let that shit go if you want to be with me. This is a coming of age story if ever there was one, and you are on a quest to discover whether or not you want to grow up (at age 40!)

Second, here are some rules to live by (for me!)

  1. For starters, I don’t want to have to work so damn hard to “win” anybody.
  2. I don’t want to expend all my energy trying to convince someone to marry me, or move in with me, or tell me they love me. It feels like that’s all I do with P. It’s exhausting.
  3. I don’t feel like convincing anyone anymore that I am actually worth MORE than any drug! That my life and my children and my little house are not scary entities but objects and people of peace, love and excitement.
  4. I should not be in a relationship where someone’s decision to stay with me or smoke pot is a difficult one. Choosing me should be a no brainer! By this point in your life, you should know what you want . When you said you felt guilty that you’re having trouble choosing me over pot, I know now that you SHOULD feel guilty. And Jesus, I should walk away. Isn’t that a huge red flag?

There’s a huge imbalance. You certainly don’t feel as though you have to win me or convince me to love you. Well, why do I feel that I have to win you? It’s seems odd and unfair.

I understand that you feel as though you always change for someone else, and maybe that’s why I should leave. So you can stay the same. I’d rather you be happy with your pot and not blame me for taking it away or trying to change you. And yet, if I remember correctly, you made the decision not to smoke pot on your own, before we met. Trouble is, you forgot. And now you’re blaming me. Your choice effected the outcome of this relationship, and now you feel “untrue” to yourself.

Blah, blah, blah…

Read the “Later” section of August 5. That’s how I feel now.


2 thoughts on “Unresolved

  1. It’s wonderful to see this back. I can’t begin to tell you how helpful it has been to read your journal. It crystallized for me the amount of rationalization I was doing around my POA’s avoidant behavior. It’s so much easier to understand someone else’s problems than one’s own. Reading your journal has helped me see my “relationship” for what it is, in the day to day, rather than what I imagine it to be. I look forward to seeing how your thinkings and actions evolved over the rest of this story…


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