I had a dream that my father was going to kill this little bird for food. He was wealthy and owned a record label. He tried to kill this bird, but the bird turned into a family of four, and so, I went around this huge property that we had, and I hid them, fearing for their lives. In the end they were safest in the orphanage where I knew my father would never go.
I also dreamed of C again but I can’t remember in what capacity. My day yesterday, though wrought with obsessive thinking, was a pleasant one. I didn’t push anything. I didn’t go out of my way to see P. I just enjoyed the day with my mom and the kids. I talked a lot with my sister-in-law about…babies. What a surprise! The kids played at the lake and then mom made spaghetti dinner. All good.
Earlier, I took the boys to Home Depot and bought lighting fixtures for the living room. We went out to lunch at Bertucci’s and then food shopping. P called and texted throughout the day and we had a nice long conversation at night. We are planning on taking the boys down to the amusement park at the shore Thursday night. He’ll get out of work a little early.
So, this book I’m reading, A Fine Romance, I can’t seem to put it down. It has helped me in so many ways to just relax about the course of our relationship. Through reading it, I’ve learned how impatient I am, how I need to chill and relax about men’s subconscious or conscious desire to pull away, how necessary space is to a healthy relationship, and that I need to allow this space despite it feeling like rejection or abandonment.
I also learned that I am not only not ready for marriage again, but on the uglier side, I am needy for it. Needy is not good. Needy is a sign of stunted growth. That brings me to wanting to do more core work on myself. So, again, a reminder to self: I have several issues that I desperately want to change:
- my neediness for a man
- my obsessive thinking
- my lack of interest in other things.
When I was with C I still had a great interest in doing stuff to my house. But now, I seem to have let things slip. Projects that I would love to do have all been put on hold. Then again, it could be because of money. I have a huge credit card debt to pay off right now and I want to have that at zero balance before Christmas. Ugh. I need to control my spending. After that, I can start saving for projects. And gosh, if I do marry P, I’d better really get tight with my money. He’s a little too crazy with spending himself.
The Break-Up Journal 